So as many of you probably already guessed by now, I am on the receiving end of a closed door to and from a relationship and person very important to me. Writing has been helpful for me… as well as music, journaling, intentional self care going outside to be with nature, my dog, and reading the work of many different writers on here. I think I need sleep. My heart is broken. and I miss him. But knowing he doesn’t hate me gives me strength. And the memories of our experiences gives me strength and hope… And brought me out of a very dark place…
This morning, I read Read this if you are afraid to Love by Beauty Beyond Bones, Let Go this morning by Kaushal Kishore, as well as Stages of Forgiveness by Be Inspired, 5 Laws of Intentional Living, by Leah, The Painful Art of Letting Go by Don’t Lose Hope, When God Says No posted by Child of God, a few others, and of course the Bible (Standard version and Gospel of Thomas)
I thought I would reflect on my take away from my roller coaster today to assess and take responsibility for what I did in the relationship to push him away. I’ve said what he did right in other posts, and what made the relationship magical… his impact on me. I want to share what I did wrong and maybe that might help one other person out there like all these personal accounts and stories on these blogs have helped me.
When you know yourselves, then you will be known, and you will understand that you are children of the living Father.Gospel of Thomas
The main issues were:
first and foremost fear – I think I was afraid of losing him, ironically, and that fear drove me to do things and behave in ways that was hurtful to him. I had a remarkable year with him and I couldn’t believe it was real. Maybe I didn’t think I deserved the relationship. Okay, so if I didn’t think I deserved it, then I guess that means the second issue was poor self esteem, self of worth, and value. But then my realization of this, sent me on a quest of spirituality renewal, and that helped – he helped me grow spiritually just by being himself and encouraging me to be myself… Everything was perfect about our relationship. But then I made a mistake. and he tried to forgive me. but we never discussed it. His unforgiveness for me and my mistake came out in his making a tiny mistake in response. I overreacted in tears because of my trauma from my abusive ex husband. I think he then made the decision to be extra extra careful so that he wouldn’t hurt me… but that hurt me. And I tried not to hurt him… and that hurt him. And I wanted us to go back to the way we were. but we couldn’t. because we refused to talk and express our true feelings. I refused to sit and analyze myself to assess my true feelings. I didn’t know what that meant fully. I refused to express face to face with openness and honesty the truth of my experience… because I was afraid in part, in denial partly, and just wanted to hold on to the good times, I refused to address the challenges.
Both of us traumatized by previous relationships, neither of us wanted to hurt the other. We became too careful, too hype focused on not making a mistake,… because we wanted everything to be perfect. And in doing so we hurt each other. This and so much could have been solved/prevented by the both of us figuring out how to talk face to face and express the truth of our experience. But we didn’t. I didn’t. So communication was the third issue that contributed to our relationship’s demise. From this absence of communication, flowed other stuff, but had I mustered up enough courage in time to talk to him about how things he did affected me, as well as check in with him about his experience with me, I think we would have been okay.
We treated each other so well, with so much love, kindness, respect, and honor for roughly 95% of the year I would say… the other 5% of the damage happened within the past month and a half – driven by fear… fear of rejection and abandonment, fear of making mistakes, fear of history repeating itself, continuously adding an additional wall of protection/boundary around ourselves to protect self from the other after each offense caused by the wall.
All in silence. Neither of us said a word… one of the walls was to see each other less, and write more… We wrote. we interpreted what the other wrote through our lenses of pain and trauma… but the truth is neither of us were capable of a full fledged brawl or fight in person. We were both too gentle. I was afraid. And added more walls.
But we didn’t need more walls. We needed less.
We didn’t need to hold back out of fear of not hurting the other, we needed to speak up.
We needed openness.
We needed more honesty in the safety of vulnerability, secure in the knowledge of who the other was and what we had. Which was something beautiful, precious, and rare.
We needed to change the rules of what we had maybe. From the beginning phase of perfect courtesy. And create something entirely new… with more authenticity. something more real. But I also needed to listen. Because the truth is… as I reflect on this… he was always speaking.
I needed to respond… before it was too late.
Because I was perfect for him. And he was perfect for me.
I loved him. and he loved me.
But we’re both traumatized.
And when we lost touch with the present relationship, of who we were, what we had… when we lost touch more and more with each wall of protection, afraid to talk, afraid to offend, afraid of history repeating itself,
… We lost each other. maybe? I’m so confused.